Altering Your Attachment Pattern: A Guide
Revamped Article:
Want a handle on shifting your sticky love patterns? You're in the right place! Today, we're dishing on the steps to transform your attachment style from insecure to secure.
First thing's first: What's your attachment style?
Take the Quiz
Attachment Styles: Get the Lowdown
Let's get to the basics: attachment styles are patterns developed early on in life, impacting how we bond and interact in relationships. These patterns can create chaos in your love life if left unchecked. We'll focus on the three insecure attachment styles today: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
- An anxiously attached individual craves closeness with their partner.
- An avoidantly attached person prefers space in their relationships.
- A disorganized individual operates from a mix of craving and fearing closeness.
- Secure attachment style? You're at ease with both closeness and separation in relationships.
Now that you know the players, let's delve into the nitty-gritty of attachment theory. Attachment theory unraveled by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth sought to understand the dynamics of attachment between infants and parents.
So, if you're curious why you might have a certain attachment style, take a trip down memory lane—your childhood experiences shape your attachment style. Factors like your relationship with your parents and the environment you grew up in have an impact.
Fun fact: Research highlights that kids whose parents went through a divorce are more prone to developing an insecure attachment style. Studies also reveal that those who recall more conflicts between their parents tend to exhibit more anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
Moreover, insecure partners often end up in relationships with other insecure partners, forming what psychologists refer to as the "anxious-avoidant trap." So, if you're anxiously attached, you may end up with an avoidant partner, and vice versa. This sets you on a vicious cycle of attracting partners that reinforce your beliefs, limiting your capacity for healthier relationships.
But fear not! You can escape this cycle and cultivate a secure attachment style. Here's the lowdown on how to do it.
Can you Change Your Attachment Style?
Good news: research supports the idea that you can modify your attachment style over time.
Here's the scoop: your attachment style can evolve, rather than being "fixed." Secure partners can help anxious individuals become more secure, and vice versa. But remember, it's a process that requires a lot of self-growth.
Why Reboot Your identity?
Your attachment style is deeply ingrained in your genetics, brain, nervous system, and neurotransmitters. To change it, you need to shift your identity by developing a new understanding of yourself. For example, instead of seeing your worries as part of who you are, you'll begin to view them as transient emotions that come and go.
These changes should occur on a body level too, as physical interventions can help you process and heal attachment wounds more effectively. I recommend checking out my methodology, The MacWilliam Method. This approach is based on the idea that self-mastery evolves through a continuous loop between conscious awareness and creative expression. Our three practical tools for maintaining momentum and healing attachment wounds are cognitive reframing, body activation, and arts-based experientials.
Through tutorials and psycho-spiritual activities, you'll reframe experiences, rewrite negative narratives, and cultivate a more secure attachment style. Now that you know the basics, let's figure out how to fix your insecure attachment style.
Turning Your Insecure Attachment Style Upside Down
Now that you're familiar with the process, let's map out the steps to transform your insecure attachment style.
The Four Phases of Healing
To facilitate your journey towards a secure attachment style, let's walk through the four phases of healing.
- WanderingIn the wandering phase, you're driven by impulse without conscious reflection. You might exaggerate your sense of connection with your partner, creating unrealistic expectations. You'll learn how to move beyond this phase later on.
- ExploringIn the exploring phase, you start to become aware of your "neediness" and attempt to tone it down. You may seek personal development resources and therapy. You're learning, but may still find yourself repeating your patterns with new partners.
- DiscoveringIn the discovering phase, you start to understand the root of your attachment issues and begin to develop spaciousness around your feelings. You're more willing to sit with uncomfortable emotions and gain a deeper sense of purpose.
- LovingThe loving phase is the culmination of self-growth. You've discovered a deeper spiritual meaning in your life and can authentically offer and receive love.
Now, you might traverse these phases simultaneously, and there's overlap involved. However, understanding the phases can help you navigate your journey towards a healthy attachment style.
Next up, let's see how to fix each attachment style specifically.
Healing for Each Attachment Style
To tackle anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles, follow these general strategies:
- Mind: Reframe negative beliefs about yourself and the world to open up new possibilities.
- Body: Work with your energy and release emotional armoring to access your true self and promote healing.
- Spirit: Strive for post-traumatic growth to develop a deeper spiritual identity and connection to the collective consciousness.
For more guidance, take a peek at my YouTube videos on attachment styles.
Now that you know the healing process let's explore strategies for each attachment style.
Ready to Tame the Anxious Attachment Beast?
If you're anxiously attached, you primarily crave attention and affection. You frequently seek reassurance and rely on your partner for emotional well-being. In relationships, you may feel like you're walking on eggshells, leading to unhealthy people-pleasing.
To tackle anxious attachment, you need to assume more personal authority, establish boundaries, and develop emotional independence. Check out Stacy's success story for inspiration.
Navigating Avoidant Attachment
Avoidantly attached individuals tend to enter relationships quickly but withdraw after a few months. You might fear commitment and feel sensitive to simple requests. You seek out "challenging" partners, viewing nice ones as boring.
To improve your relationships, open yourself up to partnership, allow for mutual experiences, and embrace a broader emotional range.
Unraveling the Disorganized Attachment Web
Disorganized attachment is a combination of anxious and avoidant styles. Disorganized individuals feel both high anxiety and high avoidance in relationships. To change disorganized attachment, learn to trust and relax in relationships, building a strong foundation for emotional stability.
So there you have it! Now you're equipped with the knowledge to transform your attachment style and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
What's your burning question about attachment styles? Let me know in the comments!
What is your attachment style?
Take the Quiz
1) Insecure attachment styles, developed early in life, impact how we bond and interact in relationships, potentially causing chaos in love lives if left unchecked.2) The three main insecure attachment styles are anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, and disorganized, each with different characteristics.3) Art as an expression of personal growth can aid in the healing process of attachment wounds, helping individuals process their emotions more effectively.4) Secure attachment style individuals are at ease with both closeness and separation in relationships.5) Childhood experiences, such as relationships with parents and the environment in which one grows up, have an impact on shaping one's attachment style.6) Research suggests that individuals who recall more conflicts between their parents tend to exhibit more anxious and avoidant attachment styles.7) By developing a new understanding of oneself and shifting one's identity, individuals can modify their attachment styles over time. This process requires self-growth, conscious awareness, creative expression, cognitive reframing, body activation, and arts-based experientials.8) Education and self-development resources, like tutorials and psycho-spiritual activities, can help anxious individuals become more secure, and vice versa, ultimately promoting personal growth and healthier relationships.
